Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Now taking applications for new zodiac signs

My son (a Virgo... explain that to a 9-year-old) and I (a Cancer... worst. sign. ever) have determined that the current zodiac sucks (Leo is cool, as is Scorpio... in a James Dean kinda way... but twins? sheep? scales? yeesh). Therefore, we determine to create a zodiac that makes good, clean, modern sense. So far we have the following signs sketched out:


    1. The Basset Hound

    2. The Beef Taco

    3. Schadenfreude

    4. Mr. Potato Head

    5. Duct Tape



      We need several more. Our thoughts, thusfar, on the new astrological pantheon:


        1. A final zodiac of between 18 and 91 signs would be best.

        2. Overlapping signs will be designated such that no person is forced into one sign, but has a choice of at least three.

        3. Like the current zodiac, the symbol and/or pictogram for the sign need have no relation to the actual thing. For example, the symbol for "Beef Taco" will, inexplicably, look like a bell.

        4. Relationships between the zodiac signs (eg, "Beef Taco and Duct Tape should never marry, except so as to settle matters of vendetta") will be determined by the most random method available, or by group consensus, or by me.

        5. No connection between random star patterns and zodiac signs will be allowed. That's highly unscientific at best, and, at worst, reeks of those filthy astronauts. Feel free, however, to "discover" a diagram of your sign's symbol in syrup, cheese rinds, rubber lizards (those peels of truck tires you see beside the highway), used dental floss, crayon shards, Hollywood Squares re-runs or any other pattern that suits your glib fancy.

        6. If you want to name a sign after yourself, that's OK, but we'll need a nickname in quotes between your first and last name. So, while "Donna Dixon" is not acceptable, "Donna 'The Bowling Queen' Dixon" is just peachy.

        7. Do not try to slip any of the old zodiac signs in under synonyms. We're looking at you, "Lobster."

        8. No names related to major league baseball will be accepted.

        9. The application deadline is the fifth day of Duct Tape.



          Begin.

          No comments:

          Post a Comment